Continuing with my current WIP, The Ashes of Home, we last saw Shayla Carver see off some work camp bullies. She is under cover, tracking down a mysterious wild man of the mountains and her information has led her to a makeshift bar in another camp. The man she is seeking has entered the bar, as described some weeks ago here.
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He sat. A drink appeared in front of him. The server backed away, unacknowledged.
He scarcely seemed to notice the glass as he picked it up and tossed it back. His eyes flicked back and forth, following imaginary or remembered events in his own head.
Another drink appeared.
Out the corner of her eye, Shayla noticed the group at the next table flag down a server. Coins clinked. This seemed to be part of the scheduled entertainment.
More drinks flowed, with no perceptible effect on the giant in the corner, but the mood in the bar grew tense with anticipation.
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17 comments:
I'm curious as to what's going to happen next. They all seem to be waiting for something to happen.
Interesting development. Why do I have a feeling that when this guy reaches his tolerance for drinks, there'll be a lot of action, noise and chaos? Great snippet!
Yup, definitely feeling the tension there.
Jessica, oh yes they are :)
Veronica, we'll see...
Amy, glad to hear it :)
The more booze he downs the more the tension rises; a very believable situation.
I suspect once he reaches his limit, things will get crazy!
I get the feeling the other patrons know the "giant in the corner" and know what's coming. Tension runs just under the surface but everybody can feel it. Great excerpt!
Ed, it's like anything where you're turning the crank, piling on the pressure, never quite knowing when it's going to blow.
Christina, what kind of crazy remains to be seen :)
Marcia, this is what passes for entertainment out in the boonies.
More! More!
Interesting. You can tell something is going to happen, but what, exactly? Hard to tell.
Stephen, that's the idea :)
Caitlin, things are about to get interesting, especially for Shayla...
Such tension -- I can feel it building. It's like they're all waiting for the the giant to blow!
Cara, you got it!
Oh, something wicked this way comes... er, um, just sayin' Nice buildup.
These extremely short sentences make me think this is a high-action emotional part, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Is there a reason you used shorter sentences here?
Elizabeth, I think people are expecting fists to fly. Things aren't always as they seem ;)
Rachel, long or short sentences don't denote anything specific, like a code to be cracked, they simply help slow down or speed up the pace. I use sentences that seem appropriate at that point. In this case I think the brief staccato sentences thrown in among longer flows of words should have an unsettling effect, helping ramp up the tension. That's way too much analysis of course, simple answer is it just felt right.
Awesome build of tension, Ian. I am agog, wondering what will happen next.😄
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